This was written about three weeks ago, with the intention of adding more, but it never happened. So, I decided to post what I had originally written as a stand-alone blog. It’s still in the ‘stream of consciousness’ style of writing, so sorry if it seems a bit babbling. Actually.. No. I’m not sorry. It’s from the heart, and one should never apologise for that. Read on…

 

Is emptiness an emotion? Or despair? Or hopelessness? I can’t tell, because one of the effects of depression isn’t just feeling a bit fed up or sad, it is a distinct lack of feeling anything at all. That’s emptiness, and yet I feel it on the days (and sometimes hours) when it kicks me. I mean, at the same time, I feel other things. I feel love for my wife all the time, and I get a buzz if one of my family says hi from England, and I feel mildly ok when I maw down a king sized kit kat, (because I love food, and I do eat my emotions sometimes.. It’s not right, but sod it, I don’t care. Pass the Pringles.) I mean, last night (Sunday) I had a real low point, and just wanted to sit there and be and feel and do nothing. Then I got frustrated and annoyed at myself for doing it.. But fortunately, I am aware that I am experiencing  one of the symptons of depression, and I remind myself that it’s only the illness doing it’s thing, and even though that does not magically make it disappear, just being aware of the cause of the emotion (or lack of) is enough to get me out of my chair, and go sleep it off.  These experiences are rare though, and I always know that what goes down, must come up again.. Sorry. Terrible euphemism. But you get my drift.. And I do often just sleep it off, when I am able. But when I am not able? Like when at work, or in company? Then what? Well, there have been times when I employ the ‘emergency stealth nap’ which basically means just lowering my hat a little, putting on the sunglasses and having ten minutes. It really helps, and I often find it very easy to drop off, as when on a low run, the physical side of depression is there, which usually manifests itself in a sudden and profound exhaustion. Sometimes, I get the exhaustion without any of the mental symptoms.. Like, I can be as chirpy and happy as you like, but so spun out with fatigue.. That’s kinda weird, it’s like not having slept for 48 hours, and necking 6 red bulls.. Then I occasionally get the exact opposite, where I am wired and full of fire, and energy, but I have this sickness and fear, and emptiness, and I usually just end up pacing, not able to sit, or play guitar, or cook, or yoyo, or do any of the things I do for fun.. I have a million things I OUGHT to do, but can’t ever get out of my own way to do them. I think that’s the worst symptom, and thankfully it has not happened for a few weeks now.

 

More soon.. There have been developments, and I will write about them as soon as I am able to get the correct and appropriate words.

 

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