So, I am going back to a new doctors soon, and will probably be back on the meds. I don’t take this choice lightly, as my moods have been dipping drastically (and unfortunately, noticeable to others) and my anxiety has been peaking. I have no explanation for it, but I know something new must be done. I feel I have got so far on my own, without medication, and sticking with my plan of diet, exercise and generally being as busy as I can manage, but just recently, the levels became peak s and troughs once again. I had a textbook panic attack on my own at work, while about 20 feet up in the air, (the usual symptoms, tight chest, dizzy, loud, breathless, etc. You know how it is..) which was weird, and as unpleasant as you would expect. Then the lows hit.. I was managing them privately (with the help of my ever patient and understanding wife.. we do a little co counseling, usually over breakfast) and managing to keep myself to myself at work, which is easy, as I am on my own 95% of the time. Then, the lows REALLY hit. Severe mood swings, uncontrollable crying, fits of anger, wanting to kick the crap out of anything one minute (which is odd, as I have never kicked the crap out of anything before. Or anyone. Anyone who knows me will agree that I am the least aggressive chap you will have the pleasure to meet) then fighting back tears the next, then barely unable to function or move without extreme effort.. All in the space of three hours. So.. off I jolly well toddled from work, back home again, where I booked myself into a new doctors for a new spin on what might be going on in my zany head, and to rest up for a few days. Having these extreme dips, mood swings and panic attacks happen in such short spaces of time can really take it out of a chap. After such an episode, I find myself thoroughly exhausted, physically and mentally. The air feels as thick as wet concrete, my joints hurt, my back hurts, my front hurts (yes, it actually physically hurts ) and it is all I can do to get up the stairs. Thankfully, my creative side has not been affected (it seems to flourish!) and I was able to sit in my chair with my posh studio headphones on, and compose and produce some new ambient pieces of music. I was able to go really deep, and experiment with the sounds of various loops I have been working on for an EP I am hoping to put out very soon. I love ambient music, especially during these stormy, unsettled periods, and I especially enjoy making it. So, as hard as it feels at the time, there is a positive outcome. I will be back to my job soon enough, and will be truthful to anyone who may ask about my leaving suddenly. Then, off to the doctors once again, to see where that takes me.
I’ll keep you updated, as and when I am able. And don’t worry. I’m ok. Just a little spun out. I’ll be right as rain soon enough. I always am..